Humor

Posts with some humourous value

Short Funnies – Phonetically Correct or Politically Corect?

January 8th, 2011

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford.

He radios for backup.

“What’s the situation?”

“There’s some big fat black bloke dancing on a car roof.”

“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “You have to use Politically correct terminology”

“OK” he says,

“Zulu…Tango….Sierra.”

Cessna Training Manuals

Deer on the Runway

December 11th, 2010

I found this on http://aviationhumor.net/deer-on-the-runway/

I’ve heard it before, but it’s not been posted here before. As for myth busters, again I am really sure this happened somewhere to someone, if not more than once….so enjoy!

CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: “What should I do? What should I do?”
Inst: “What do you think you should do?”
(think-think-think)
Std: “Maybe if I taxi toward him it’ll scare him away.”
Inst: “That’s a good idea.”
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: “What should I do? What should I do?”
Inst: “What do you think you should do?”
(think-think-think)
Std: “Maybe I should tell the tower.”
Inst: “That’s a good idea.”
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there’s a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then — by coincidence — the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

The Blind Pilot

November 12th, 2010

On a flight from Melbourne to Brisbane, unexpectedly en-route, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind and her Guide Dog who lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her, as he had throughout the entire flight.
The woman was a frequent flyer and well known to the flight crew. When the Captain, who also got up to stretch his legs, came out of the cockpit he saw the blind woman was still on board, and approached her, and calling her by name, “Kathy, we will be in Sydney for almost
an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”, pointing at the dog.

Can you imagine the look on people’s faces when they saw the pilot, who happened to be wearing dark sunglasses, walk off the plane with a Guide dog.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

So remember….. THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

This is reported to be a true story

Don’t be in a Rush

August 26th, 2010

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Pilots and Kids: Short Funnies

August 20th, 2010

I write some childrens books, along with the aviation books, and my professional career as a pilot, (apart from the teddybears recently posted on Facebook), I’ve always wondered about the link, here’s a joke that starts to put the pieces of the puzzle in place.

A boy says to his father “Dad, can I be a pilot when I grow up?”,
The father replies “Son, I’m sorry but you can’t do both.”

Famous Flying Sayings

August 7th, 2010

Our apologies if some of these have been included elsewhere on the blog, however here follows a collection of some of the famous flying sayings – some all too true, some just humourous…

No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity;
an airplane flies because of money.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there,
than up there wishing you were down here.

If you’re ever faced with a forced landing at night,
turn on the landing lights to see the landing area.
If you don’t like what you see, turn’ em back off.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting
but still be long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
No one has ever collided with the sky.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere
your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

Don’t drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.
An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by
Bernoulli, not Marconi.

“Unskilled” pilots are always found in the wreckage
with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger;
if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
(Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing
is one from which you can walk away.
But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.
It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

IFR: I Follow Roads.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up
when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night,
should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round
and reciprocating parts going up and down -
all of them trying to become random in motion.

Helicopters can’t really fly -
they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Pilots believe in clean living.
They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runways behind you.
Fuel in the truck.
Half a second ago.
Approach plates in the car.
The airspeed you don’t have.

If God meant man to fly, He’d have given him more money.

What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA
is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won’t surprise him.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast
can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.

Good judgment comes from experience
and experience comes from bad judgment.

Being an airline pilot would be great
if you didn’t have to go on all those trips.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It’s a good landing if you can still get the doors open.

Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot
is a copilot who once was a captain.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway
that caused an accident,
the NTSB would find a way to blame it on pilot error.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It’s worse.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation.
You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying,
and about flying when he’s with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft
after making a gear up landing
is to put the gear selection lever in the ‘down’ position.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal
to the number of your takeoffs.

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Pilot Personality – ALPA

April 19th, 2010

This post has been attributed to ALPA, the American airline pilot’s association. We used it to back up a commonly used phrase in the MCC (multi-crew cooperation) course I teach that most typical pilot personalities should not be allowed in the modern multi-crew environment. I like to try to cushion the blow by adding the word ‘male’ to the ‘most typical pilots’ phrase – but reading this, unfortunately, it’s all too true! Fortunately, the statement that being aware of your deficiencies is the first step to fixing them, is also true. And courses like MCC and CRM, if taken seriously and not just as a box to tick, are helping us all with the rest of the steps, to ensure the additional crew members do help make the operation safer.

The Pilot Personality (courtesy of ALPA)

Pilots are a distinct segment of the general population. In addition to flying skills, pilots are selected for their personalities and for a distinct “pilot persona.” These characteristics make them safer pilots.
Pilots tend to be physically and mentally healthy. Pilots tend to be “reality based,” because by the very nature of their work they are constantly testing reality. There are those, however who would dispute this claim.
Pilots tend to be self-sufficient and may have difficulty functioning in team situations without CRM and other training. They have difficulty trusting anyone to do the job as well as they can. Pilots tend to be suspicious, even a little paranoid. In moderation, this quality serves them well within their environment and is, in fact, a quality that managements look for in the pilot personality. Outside the cockpit, this quality shows up in the tendency of many pilots to set two or three alarm clocks– even though he or she may generally wake up before any of these go off. The suspicious/paranoid tendency also affects the way pilots function in their private lives, as well.
Pilots tend to be intelligent but are typically not intellectually oriented. They like “toys”– boats, cars, motorcycles, big watches, etc. They are good at taking things apart, if not putting them back together. Pilots are concrete, practical, linear thinkers rather than abstract, philosophical, or theoretical. On a scale that ranges from analytically oriented to emotionally oriented, pilots tend to be toward the analytical end. They are extremely reality- and goal-oriented. They like lists showing concrete problems, not talking about them. This goal orientation tends towards the short term as opposed to the long term. Pilots are bimodal: on/off, black/white, good/bad, safe/unsafe, regulations/non-regulations.
Pilots are inclined to modify their environment rather than their own behaviour. Pilots need excitement; a 9-to-5 job would drive most pilots to distraction. Pilots are competitive, being driven by a need to achieve, and don’t handle failure particularly well. Pilots have a low tolerance for personal imperfection, and long memories of perceived injustices.
Pilots tend to be scanners, drawing conclusions rapidly about situational facts. Pilots scan people as if they were instruments; they draw conclusions at a glance rather than relying on long and emotion-laden conversations.
Pilots avoid introspection and have difficulty revealing, expressing, or even recognizing their feelings. When they do experience unwanted feelings, they tend to mask them, sometimes with humour or even anger. Being unemotional helps pilots deal with crises, but can make them insensitive toward the feelings of others. The spouses and children of pilots frequently complain that the pilot has difficulty expressing complex human emotions toward them.
This emotional “block” can create difficulty communicating. How many incidents or accidents have occurred due to poor communications? The vast majority of Professional Standards cases will be caused by poor communication.

Cessna Pilots: Buy a book, Support the ‘Save a Plane’ Cause

February 17th, 2010

I’ve decided to start a new cause: It’s called the [b]“Save a Plane”[/b] cause.
It’s not really a foundation as such, since I don’t want to go through the paperwork of setting one up, but, if you buy a book you can help directly to Save a Plane: the one you’re flying.

And while you’re pursuing the great cause of saving a plane, you could find yourself contributing to an even greater cause – Saving a Passenger.
Lives which may have been placed unnecessarily at risk, perhaps not by you, but by the system. The system you as a pilot we unknowingly submitted to. That is the system of pilot training typically available in the General Aviation sector, fuelled by deregulation of flight schools and instructor standards, limited national funding, and the lack of importance since small planes equal small loss of lives. A system which allows an instructor to teach with little more than a conversion himself (trust me I\’ve seen it and done it), justified by the logic, it\’s a simple light aircraft and the instructor has enough experience flying to know how to teach even though he’s only flown an hour on type. A system supported by pilots eager to keep the cost of flight training down, by flying the minimum chargeable hours, convinved they need little more than the POH to go by, text books only add to the cost of flying and take away money from important practical flying hours with unnecessary theory.

A bit dramatic? Consistently General Aviation accident rates remain the highest by a large margin. In the NTSB preliminary statistics comparing accident rate per flight hour, they are three times higher than commuter flights, the next highest category, and a staggering seventy times higher than the lowest rate, scheduled airlines

The last question, is it worth spending USD20 to find out, when most of the aeroplanes we write about cost about 100USD per hour?

If you are still sceptical about the cost, consider that the 20$ you spend might save you some flying and briefing time on your next renewal –

Support the ‘save a plane’ cause – by starting with improving your own knowledge.

[b]Your donation is fully guaranteed! [/b]
Anyone not happy with a hard copy book purchase, that is if you really feel that it did not provide you with some valuable information and help improve your standard of flying, send me the copy in original condition for a full refund.

Any feedback on this marketing tactic welcomed: I\’ve posted it on my own blog for a laugh, but really it is quite serious.

Short Funnies

January 17th, 2010

I found this short funny on the Aviation Theory Forum open Facebook, while surfing for more free marketing…Quite a nice forum and some great discussion going on, aimed at improving pilot’s theoretical knowledge, (which sorry to say is a great change from pilot’s typical whining and back biting).

Glossary of aviation terms:

Emergency generator – device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.

Landing light – preferable to landing heavy.

Bank – owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Walkaround – procedure used when waiting for better weather.

PS: these are only jokes, look up the real meanings if you don't know them.
http://www.aviationdictionary.org/

Aviation Myths – more funnies

January 17th, 2010

These two aviation myths have been around for some time, and I suspect there is some truth to them as with most of the myths placed here – typically some details have been changed, for poetic license, or through the process of the Chinese whisper.
Anyone who has a lead to some proof of origin please comment!

Space Race

During the height of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write within the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the ‘Astronaut Pen’ was developed at a cost of about 1million US$. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Aircraft Windshield Testing

The British Aerospace industry developed a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on aircraft. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Other countries were very interested in this, including the an American aircraft manufacturer.

The Americans borrowed the chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the pilot’s chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the cockpit. Stunned at the results, they asked the British to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The British reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Try defrosting the chickens.”

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