Jokes

Aviation jokes

Short Funnies – Phonetically Correct or Politically Corect?

January 8th, 2011

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford.

He radios for backup.

“What’s the situation?”

“There’s some big fat black bloke dancing on a car roof.”

“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “You have to use Politically correct terminology”

“OK” he says,

“Zulu…Tango….Sierra.”

Cessna Training Manuals

Deer on the Runway

December 11th, 2010

I found this on http://aviationhumor.net/deer-on-the-runway/

I’ve heard it before, but it’s not been posted here before. As for myth busters, again I am really sure this happened somewhere to someone, if not more than once….so enjoy!

CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: “What should I do? What should I do?”
Inst: “What do you think you should do?”
(think-think-think)
Std: “Maybe if I taxi toward him it’ll scare him away.”
Inst: “That’s a good idea.”
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: “What should I do? What should I do?”
Inst: “What do you think you should do?”
(think-think-think)
Std: “Maybe I should tell the tower.”
Inst: “That’s a good idea.”
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there’s a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then — by coincidence — the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

The Blind Pilot

November 12th, 2010

On a flight from Melbourne to Brisbane, unexpectedly en-route, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind and her Guide Dog who lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her, as he had throughout the entire flight.
The woman was a frequent flyer and well known to the flight crew. When the Captain, who also got up to stretch his legs, came out of the cockpit he saw the blind woman was still on board, and approached her, and calling her by name, “Kathy, we will be in Sydney for almost
an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”, pointing at the dog.

Can you imagine the look on people’s faces when they saw the pilot, who happened to be wearing dark sunglasses, walk off the plane with a Guide dog.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

So remember….. THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

This is reported to be a true story

Don’t be in a Rush

August 26th, 2010

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Pilots and Kids: Short Funnies

August 20th, 2010

I write some childrens books, along with the aviation books, and my professional career as a pilot, (apart from the teddybears recently posted on Facebook), I’ve always wondered about the link, here’s a joke that starts to put the pieces of the puzzle in place.

A boy says to his father “Dad, can I be a pilot when I grow up?”,
The father replies “Son, I’m sorry but you can’t do both.”

Famous Flying Sayings

August 7th, 2010

Our apologies if some of these have been included elsewhere on the blog, however here follows a collection of some of the famous flying sayings – some all too true, some just humourous…

No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity;
an airplane flies because of money.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there,
than up there wishing you were down here.

If you’re ever faced with a forced landing at night,
turn on the landing lights to see the landing area.
If you don’t like what you see, turn’ em back off.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting
but still be long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
No one has ever collided with the sky.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere
your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

Don’t drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.
An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by
Bernoulli, not Marconi.

“Unskilled” pilots are always found in the wreckage
with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger;
if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
(Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing
is one from which you can walk away.
But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.
It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

IFR: I Follow Roads.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up
when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night,
should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round
and reciprocating parts going up and down -
all of them trying to become random in motion.

Helicopters can’t really fly -
they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Pilots believe in clean living.
They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runways behind you.
Fuel in the truck.
Half a second ago.
Approach plates in the car.
The airspeed you don’t have.

If God meant man to fly, He’d have given him more money.

What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA
is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won’t surprise him.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast
can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.

Good judgment comes from experience
and experience comes from bad judgment.

Being an airline pilot would be great
if you didn’t have to go on all those trips.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It’s a good landing if you can still get the doors open.

Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot
is a copilot who once was a captain.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway
that caused an accident,
the NTSB would find a way to blame it on pilot error.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It’s worse.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation.
You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying,
and about flying when he’s with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft
after making a gear up landing
is to put the gear selection lever in the ‘down’ position.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal
to the number of your takeoffs.

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Short Funnies

January 17th, 2010

I found this short funny on the Aviation Theory Forum open Facebook, while surfing for more free marketing…Quite a nice forum and some great discussion going on, aimed at improving pilot’s theoretical knowledge, (which sorry to say is a great change from pilot’s typical whining and back biting).

Glossary of aviation terms:

Emergency generator – device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.

Landing light – preferable to landing heavy.

Bank – owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Walkaround – procedure used when waiting for better weather.

PS: these are only jokes, look up the real meanings if you don't know them.
http://www.aviationdictionary.org/

Aviation Myths – more funnies

January 17th, 2010

These two aviation myths have been around for some time, and I suspect there is some truth to them as with most of the myths placed here – typically some details have been changed, for poetic license, or through the process of the Chinese whisper.
Anyone who has a lead to some proof of origin please comment!

Space Race

During the height of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write within the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the ‘Astronaut Pen’ was developed at a cost of about 1million US$. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Aircraft Windshield Testing

The British Aerospace industry developed a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on aircraft. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Other countries were very interested in this, including the an American aircraft manufacturer.

The Americans borrowed the chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the pilot’s chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the cockpit. Stunned at the results, they asked the British to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The British reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Try defrosting the chickens.”

APT’s sell better than ATP’s

November 24th, 2008

Note: Send an email to the gonumbers for the original content of this post – (sorry APT’s can’t be uploaded directly due to site censorship rules).

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Top Airline Slogans

November 2nd, 2008

The Top 15 Airline Advertising Slogans:

* Air Join our frequent near-miss program.
* Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
* Brittish Airways: Noisy engines? We\’ll turn \’em off!
* Brittish Airways: Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
* Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
* The kids will love our inflatable slides.
* You think it\’s so easy, get your own damm plane!
* Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
* We might be landing on your street!
* Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
* So that\’s what these buttons do!
* A real man lands where he wants to.
* We never make the same mistake three times.

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